1. Do you like anyone?
What can I say? I’m a romantic.

2. Do you have a bf/gf?
I have an AC/DC cd in the N.E. corner of my room.

3. Are you a player?
Technically, no. In theory, yes. Hypothetically, no.

4. Would you get back together with any of your exes?
Probably not. The whole chonga/hood-rat thing doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

5. Do you think you’ll get any surprise valentines this year?
I’m not sure how that can happen. And if for some reason a girl wants to date me hours before Valentines Day, she’ll be out of luck. I purchase gifts 3 months ahead of time.

6. Do you want a Valentine?
Ah what the heck. Gimme gimme.

7. Ever slept over at the opposite sex’s house?
Yeah. And I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I did put the toilet seat down.

8. Do you prefer group dates or single ones?
I can only date one girl at a time. But if you send me a request in writing I’ll be happy to accomodate all ten of you. Potluck!

*9. Fried Chicken or Fried Rice?
Ummm… fried rice.

10. Small kisses or makeout session?
A small makeout will do.

11. Do you like cuddling up and watching movies?
I tend to stretch a lot while I watch movies. And I yawn.

12. Any plans for Valentines Day?
Let’s see. One, avoid every couple I know. This includes my parents. Two, spread evil lies about “cheating” boyfriends and girlfriends all over the internet. Three, maybe do a little homework.

13.Whats the best valentines day present for a girl?
A Radioshack giftcard.

14. For a guy?
Chocolate, poetry, a back massage, and a little thing we like to call “seeing other people”.

15. Do you like Valentine’s Day?
Let’s rephrase the question, shall we? “Do you like spending money on mushy crap?” Yes. Yes I do.

16. Have any special traditions?
In the morning when I get out of bed I like to arch backwards and yell. And then I have to go number one.

This or That

18. Chocolate or Roses?
I’ll have to go with chocolate. Roses go right to my hips.

19. Hugs or kisses?
Noogies.

20. Movie or Walk in the Park?
How about we watch the movie A WalkTo Remember.

21. Funny or Serious?:
I like a girl who can make me laugh. And dinner.

22. Dance or go on a Date?
Can’t we go to a nightclub?

Do you believe in…

24. Kissing on the first date?
I believe it exists. Yes.

25. How about true love?
Sure. Unicorns fall in love all the time.

26. Everyone has a perfect match?
I have a whole box of matches. Need a light?

27. Does someone like you?
Do deities count?

1. EVER GIVEN/BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
I gave somebody a cold once. Engaging enough for ya?

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
Well I’ve been my mother’s son for like 21 years. I’m sure you can relate.

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
My brother farted on me while I was sleeping. I don’t think he has a receipt for it, so I doubt I’ll be exchanging it anytime soon.

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
This one cellphone was talking trash to me the other day, so I dropped him like the sucka he is.

5. WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
All my working is done indoors. Can’t concentrate in the blaring sun. I sweat too much.

6. COFFEE OR CHOCOLATE?
Can’t we all just get along? (Chocolate)

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
My brother’s. For farting on me.

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Any kind of extra body parts or strange scars.

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
United States of Whatever By Liam Lynch

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
I’d let you in but my house is a mess.

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
They say if you remember the Nineties you weren’t really there. Or was that the seventies? Well I didn’t attend high school in the seventies, so you’re out of luck.

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
AT&T Wireless, which was bought out by Cingular, but I hear Cingular was bought out by someone else. So let’s just say my Dad pays the cell phone bills and I’m not too worried about it.

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
Pizza USA at the foodcourt.

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
Full-time dork for the past 18 years. The first 3 years don’t count because technically it was an internship and you don’t really get paid.

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
I’m kind of scared that I don’t.

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
Not real people. Just the elderly.

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
Technically I wasn’t there, but when Miss Piggie and Kermit got married I was an emotional mess.

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU’D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
I’d probably buy some new friends immediately and have them call me.

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
At the Roots concert. He was doing the back-head bounce or something like that. He’s hip.

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
Olive Garden

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
“No really, Dave, you’re freaking me out. Don’t call me anymore”

23. WHERE’S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
As long as the food is cheap and delicious I really don’t mind.

24. CAN YOU COOK?
I make the meanest Pop Tarts this side of the equator.

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
A 1997 Saturn SL2. I like to think it was the coolest car that year.

26. BEST KISSER:
I’d have to say Angelina Jolie. She’s a real team player.

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
When PeeWee Herman was cancelled. That was a tough year, really.

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
Lasagnia because he’s all like “ooh everybody loves me.” Little punk.

29. 1 THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I can fit like 4 crayons in my nostril. And 8 in the other.

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
One nostril holds more than the other.

*31. SO… HOW’S IT GOING?
Pretty good, dude. Yeah. Been keepin’ busy, ya know?

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?
18 Hours. That was a tough night.

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Lethal Weapon 5. When will Riggs and Murtaugh learn? When will they learn?

34. CAN YOU SING?
I can hum any song you ask me to. I’ll even throw in the harmony for kicks.

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
Yanni and Michael Bolton: The Pansies Tour.

36. LAST KISS?
I’m hispanic so I get kisses everyday practically. It comes with the job.

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED?
Sideways. Pretty stinkin’ hilarious, too.

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
Cowbell. Oh, and underwear.

39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
Vegas was fun. Couldn’t gamble though. I really looked forward to wasting my money like every other bum in that town.

*40. SO WHY DO YOU DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO KENDALL FOR CHURCH EVERY WEEK?
Because I wants to and I likes to.

*41. EVER HUGGED A COMPLETE STRANGER ON AN ELEVATOR THINKING IT WAS YOUR DAD, BUT IT TOTALLY WASN’T?
Holy cow, YES! Yes I have!

*42. WHY DON’T YOU WANNA GO OUT WITH (FILL IN THE BLANK)?
Because she smells, or she has rough hands, or she doesn’t have a sense of humor, or she’s not very smart, or because she’s just not my type. But thanks for asking again.

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
A laptop stacked on top of my desktop, which is then stacked on top of a squirrel.

*44. HOW MUCH DO YOU GET PAID AN HOUR?
Let’s see, if I work about 40 hours a week for 4 weeks, it’s still pretty much none of your business. But thanks for asking me a really personal question even though we’re not down like that.

45. DO YOU SMOKE?
Nah. I’m not really going for the whole black teeth look these days.

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
Do costumes count?

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?
Do costumes count?

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
Let’s just put it this way. Yes and No. At the same exact time. Put that in your pipe and smoke it long distance.

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
I wouldn’t say they pulled me over. I’d say they pretty much chased me down a few highways until I got bored and decided to just give up.

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
That’s a no-brainer. Pancakes. Anyone who says otherwise is secretly attempting to kill you.

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
Yep. Especially when it makes me burp.

52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Chocolate Chip.

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
It’s hard to deny the power of NASA.

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
The Voicemail lady. She’s a good listener.

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
My Dad.

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
A gentleman doesn’t text and tell.

*57. HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
I’m not sure these days, but I’m pretty sure I can put you in a cool choke-hold.

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
One for each skull.

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
The usual Wednesday Night gear: My Chewbacca outfit.

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
“Oooh Baby, Baby.”
-Any modern R&B song

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
Toe Jam.

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
I can play dead while I play pool. They never see it coming.

63. CAN YOU SWIM?
Sure.

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
Free.

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
I’ve got nothing against them. In fact some of my best friends are maps.

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
I once got in a fight and started making punching noises with my mouth. Embarrassing.

67. SO… WHY ARE YOU A LIBERTARIAN?
I believe that history shows that a smaller goverment is a better government. Plus it sounds cooler at social gatherings.

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
Yeah. It was one of those “Don’t tell David about this party” themes. I always find out how to get past the security guards.

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?:
Curry is nice. And Cinnamon. Cinammon brings a punch of flavor to anything.

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
Let’s see, how long have I been doing this survey…

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
8:12am. I think that’s when my brother farted on me.

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
All the commercials that wish people “Happy Holidays”.

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
If by “ticket” you mean “severe beating”, then never. Except for that one time.

74. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?
Roger. Best rock ever.

*75.YOU-REE-BAY OR YOU-RIGH-BEE?
The former, thank you.

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?
Ninjas and Pirates both agree. Cowboys suck.

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
Not sure. But I think you’re hitting on me.

78. BIRTHDATE:
April 30. The same day Hitler died. No kidding.

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
Tall.

*80. SO… WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO AT WORK?
Well I design everything from websites to animations for television shows, to logos for small companies. And I take out the trash.

*81. SO… YOU’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT RELEVANT MAGAZINE. WHY DON’T YOU JUST WORK FOR THEM?
The whole restraining order thing. I don’t like to talk about it.

*82. HEY DAVID, WANNA GO TO THE MARLINS GAME WITH ME?
Should I bring a pillow and a blanket? ‘Cause I’m going to be bored out of my mind.

*83. WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO FOR A LIVING?
To be quite honest, I have no friggin’ idea. And to be honest again I really like saying “friggin”.

*84. WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM? WHAT DOES SHE DO?
She runs an airplane-repair business. Business is really soaring these days.

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
I’m on a chair, you sicko.

*86. ARE YOU A ROCKER OR A RAPPER?
If you’re dumb enough to still be asking questions like this, you should probably take a few steps back before I uppercut you and give you a wedgie.

87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
More like smirking. And drooling.

*88. HOW COME I NEVER SEE YOU ONLINE?
I’m probably dodging people like you. That or I have a life.

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW :
I’m single. Of course I do.

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?:
The Bathroom. I really gotta take a wizz.

*91. WHY DO YOU LISTEN TO SONGS WITH CURSE WORDS IN IT?
Even songs with curse words can be beautiful pieces of art. I think can portray the world as it ****g ***s **********x *****ñ is.

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
Nope. I passeded it.

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
I have a squish and a squeeze, but no crush.

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
I think Riley is a cool name for a boy. But Spiderman takes the cake.

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
Blue and White, like any good American.

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
I’m not sure to be honest. I’m pretty sure I still don’t care.

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
Nope. Too busy laying on the beach.

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
Yeah. Cruises are awesome because they have 24 hour buffets and saltwater pools and arcades. If only they could combine those 3 elements together I’d find a way to live on a cruise ship.

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?:
Nope.

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
You mean the attic? Not yet. Gimme a few minutes.

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
I think I’m always in love. It’s a great feeling, this desperation and anxiety and insecurity.

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
No kidding, I once had to stay in a Mexican hospital overnight for eating a hotdog from a convenience store. Not so convenient.

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE IN PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
The Invisible Man, because man where is that guy!

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m broke, son. No bling on this gangsta.

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
Tell all my friends to read it. And I’ll probably find a way to fart on my brother. I owe him one.

I recently posted this elsewhere in November of 2005. I don’t think it got the publicity it deserved. Hey, I’ve created a category called “Surveys” that you can find all my silly surveys on. Practical, yes? Anyways, enjoy. =D

1. Are you wearing shoes? I’m barefoot. But that doesn’t mean my feet don’t have feelings.

2. Whats the third letter in your name? I’m not falling for that one again. Last time I answered that I somehow ended up slapping myself.

3. How old is your pet(s)? It’s hard to tell, Scooby’s always lying about his age.

4. What color is your underwear? I’m not going to lie. It’s black, like my teeth.

5. Are you sick? Yo momma.

6. Are you in school? No, but I schooled yo’ momma! Ohhhhh!

7. Is the bathroom open? Yeah, but it’s one of those self-service bathrooms. Ah, to live in the Fifties…

8. Are you on a laptop? No. I’ve made a vow to only sit on chairs.

9. Are you watching MTV? What gave you that impression? Was it my sideburns?

10. Are you smiling? I’d say it’s more like a grimace.

11. Do you have on eyeliner? Nevermind, now I know how you figured out the MTV thing.

12. Is it early? 8:47pm. I could really go for some eggs and pancakes.

13. Are you blonde? Time to settle this once and for all. Ahem… Yo’ Momma.

14. Do you have a myspace? I don’t believe in myspace. It’s make-believe. Like unicorns and unibrows.

15. Are you in high school? Only for the milk. I miss my Velda Farm lunches.

16. Are you in love with your boyfriend/girlfriend? She’s in love with me. But don’t tell her I said that because she’ll start nagging me to death. And then we start arguing and arguing. Oh wait I’ve been single for 6 years.

17. Name three of your friends: Curly, Larry, and (you guessed it) Mortimer.

18. Biceps or Bicycles? Gotta go with Bicycles on this one, Trebek.

19. What color is your bathing suit? Mine is clear. That explains the single thing.

20. Does your school start in August? Does a bear crap in the woods? Didn’t think so.

21. Did you go on vacation last month? I called in sick on Valentines once. Wait, what was the question?

22. Have you ever been on a cruise? Let’s cut the small talk, shall we? I’ll dance with you.

23. Do you have a sister? I have two female cats. That pretty much equates the ego of one older sister.

24. Are you upstairs? Did you just call me dumb?

26. Do you have a friend named ralph? Yes. You can’t see him but he commands me to hurt people. And to double dip.

27. Does your name end with a Y? Oooh. So close. It ends with an ñ.

28. What’s your middle name? Xavier, thanks to Kristel.

29. Are your ears pierced? My left ear is pierced. And so is my left heart. You heard me.

30. Do you own a digital camera? Yeah, but the LCD screen just broke. Darn circus midgets.

31. Do you live in Florida? What kind of racist question is that?

32. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I wish. Nobody nags me anymore.

33. Ever had sushi? Mmmm… Bagel Tempura Roll, Spicy Tuna Roll, Rock N Roll, Fruit Roll Ups, Roller Blades, Rolodex…

34. Are you listening to rock? If Emo is considered rock, then no. I’m listening to boys crying to acoustic guitar.

35. What color is your chair? Dark Grey. Whew, that was a hard one.

36. Where do you get your pants? It was a two-for-one sale at whocares.com

37. Chocolate or Puppies? They’re both delicious with pie.

38. Have you dyed your hair red? Only with the blood of hobos.

39. Are you tired? Tired of your dirty looks.

40. Do YoU wRiTe LiKe ThIs? Only when the full moon comes out and I turn into a Werechonga.

41. Are you an idiot? Do I get multiple choices?

42. Do you like being in a relationship with the one you love? A wise man once said that Love unites us all. He’s sleeping with the fishes now.

45. Is Alcohol Bad for the Soul? It’s bad for the breath.

46. Are you bored? Again with the multiple choice questions!

47. What time is it? 9:13pm. Where’s my breakfast, woman!

48. What’s your last regret? Uribe. Wait, what?

49. chocolate or peanut butter? They should make chocolate butter. I’d put it on my toast. And yours.

50. How many kids would u like? For breakfast?

1.Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
Yeah I talk to Scooby all the time. He’s the best dog ever.

2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
I think that’s an obvious answer. I’d barter them for ice cream. And then I’d eat the ice cream with my hands to show you how hardcore I am.

3. What did you do when you weren’t in school in the 2nd grade?
Boy, what didn’t I do that year.

4. What is the best thing about a job?
If your job is being Chuck Norris, then I would say having an unrestricted amount of human strength, and getting paid for it. Unless you have one of those dead end jobs. Then I guess it’s all about the money.

5. Do you like more than one person right now?
Sure. But you’re not one of them. I hate your guts.

6. Are you against same sex marriage?
Depends on what you mean by “are” and “same”.

7. Did you vote for Bush?
Nope. I voted for some dude in Venezuela. He didn’t win.

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Looks like it will be Brazil. I hear there’s naked bowling there. Steeeeerike!

9. Have you dry humped any of your myspace friends?
Haha you said the word hump. Silly Middle School surveyors

10. Are most of your friends guys or girls?
I’m not going to bore you with any details. I’ll just get straight to the point: yes.

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
At work we have all kinds of IKEA furniture. For instance, we have an IKEA coffee table, IKEA lights, IKEA shelves, and we’re about to get IKEA water but it’s nearly impossible to build all the Hydrogen and Oxygen without the manual.

12. Last book you read?
“His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley Jr. As you can imagine, it’s a fairy tale about dinosaurs that talk.

13. If you could have one super power what would it be?
I would really enjoy flying backwards like Powder Toast Man. He gets all the chicks.

14. Where have you lived most of your live da most?
Most of my life da most? What kind of nonsense psychobabble is that? I refuse to answer Miami, Florida. I simply refuse it.

15. What was the last convo you had about?
We were talking about the type of film to buy for our next photo assignment. In other words I was spittin’ game to this lil’ shawty.

16. Where do you see yourself in four years?
Honestly, I hope to be recovering from a failed marriage. Yeah I aim real low.

17. What’s your favorite scent?
50 Scent is my favorite rapper. All his albums are scratch-n-sniff.

18. What is your favorite sound?
That gurgly sound when you strangle a fish underwater. Fish don’t think they can drown, but I showed them. I showed them all! ::evil laughter::

19. Are you moody?
Only when people accuse me of being moody. Then I lose it.

20. Favorite movie of all time?
I bet all you movie snobs would say something indie like “City of God” or “Memento”. Typical. My favorite movie is “Dumb And Dumber”.

21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your classmate?
Vindictive is a good thing right? If so, then yes, if not, then yes.

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
Only physical therapy. They had me in this stray jacket and covered my mouth with this face guard. I like to tell people it’s physical therapy.

23. Have you ever Played Spin the bottle?
Dang it’s been such a long time. The last time I played was like a week ago. That was like, what, 100 hours ago or something. I can barely count that high.

24. Have you ever Toilet papered someone’s house?
No, but I did something even better. I turned their toilet paper around in the little paper holder so it would roll from the top instead of from the bottom. I bet they’re still like “whoa.”

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Sure. But then someone else told her I liked her and I was forced to erase her memory via bribery.

26. Have you ever gone camping?
Yeah. I play Counter Strike all the time. I’m one of those sniper losers.

27. Have you ever had a crush on your brother’s friend?
Not really. I don’t think Hector would ever dig me.

28. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?
Nope. But I went to a rude beach once. Isn’t really my scene. All the shouting and whatnot.

29. Have you ever gone streaking?
Funny story… one time I was walking down the dairy aisle in Publix and… well no. I haven’t gone streaking.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
I thought so, but it turned out I’m just really vain and anti-social.

31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
No way. I only dip chunky people. It’s fun to hear them squeal like the little piggies they are.

32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
One time I cried so hard I laughed. And then everyone slowly walked away from me.

33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only one who would go to the party and stay sober?
If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked me that question… I’d go to Vegas and play the Nickel Slots. Once.

34. Have you ever been in love?
I’ve been in debt. That’s the same thing.

35. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
Not really. But then I found out he stole my soccer move and said it was his. So I did donuts on his front lawn with a unicycle. Yeah, he wasn’t ready for that one.

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?
It’s a part time job of mine. The income really sucks though.

37. Have you ever been out of the country?
Technically I live out of the country. Yeah. Broward.

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
Nope, that would be embarrassing. I only throw up at parties, where people know me.

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a single month straight?
No, but I went back the next day and had that lady fix it. And then I shanked everyone in the spine.

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
Ewww. Gross. Yuck. Nasty. Disgusting. Yes.

41. Last song you listened to?
“Wait Until Tomorrow” by the John Mayer Trio. Man I love Gangsta Rap.

42. Have you ever spied on someone?
By the time you read this question, I will have viewed all your emails.

43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
No way. They’re infested with all kinds of diseases. Like A.D.D.

44. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
Sure. Scooby runs around naked all day. Wait, that’s not true. He has a little collar.

45. Who was the last person who called you?
You might know her. It’s this Asian girl. Her name is Nunya.

46. When was the last time you slept for more then 12 hours?
Dude, if you sleep for more then 12 hours then leave me a message. So I can take you off my buddy list.

47. Have you ever been arrested?
Technically no, because I managed to do a ninja attack before the second handcuff was on me.

48. Most embarassing CD you own?
Joey Lawrence’s Greatest Hits.

49. Have you ever stolen anything?
I stole this girl’s heart once. Some would say it’s romantic, but it really is a bloody mess.

50. Have you ever drank eggnog?
I tasted it once. It gave me the power to roundhouse kick anything in a five mile radius. Eat your heart out, Chuck Norris.

1) How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? I’d say about 10 times. But I’d be lying. And lying makes baby jebus cry.

2) How many serious boyfriends/Girlfriends have you had? If you ask me, (which you did), I’d say one serious girlfriend is enough. They take everything so seriously. I mean seriously, what’s the deal? No, serious, two.

3) When was your first date & who was it with? I was in seventh grade, my girlfriend was Candy and we went to a hispanic music festival at that park in Hialeah. I forget the name. I think it was Hialeah Park.

4) Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate? I believe everyone has a belly button. I don’t know about soul mates. I’m not a doctor.

5) When do you think that you�ll get married? As soon as I can revive her.

6) Do you think that you should become friends with someone before dating them? In my line of work you begin to realize early on that the perfect spouse is your greatest enemy. Woo your enemy and you’ll have a great wife. What’s my line of work? I’m a programmer.

7) Do you believe that opposites attract? Yes, I know that possums attack.

What traits do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend? Gotta have teeth. All of 7 of ‘em.

9) What is your dream date? All I know is that the night ends with game of charades and a Dumb & Dumber quote. Oh and a kiss would be nice. Oh yeah, and a hot girl.

10) Have you ever had your heart broken? I’ve had my heart stabbed. That’s probably worse than breaking. There’s more bleeding involved in stabbings.

11) Where do you want your wedding to take place? In the eighties. I’m sure time machines are just around the corner.

12) What kind of music do you want to have played at your wedding? Anything that involves the kazoo.

13) Where do you want to go for your Honeymoon? I like the idea of Switzerland. That, or Hialeah.

14) What do you think about long-distance relationships? Long distance relationships are kind of wedgies. I’d rather seeing other people experience it.

15) Your thoughts on online relationships? Must be hard to hold hands digitally. The static would ruin the whole experience.

16) Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger than you? If I date someone five years younger than me, I’m sure I’d be violating some kind of law. I’ll take the safe route and date an older gal. She can tell me what the eighties were like.

17) When did you have your first kiss? Seventh grade, during a school performance.

18) Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend? One time I saw a friend as a giant lizard. But then again it was Halloween.

19) Are you a hopless romantic? I like to hop every now and then. Sheesh, fix your spelling.

20) Are you the romantic type? Yeah. I’ll whine and dine you. And boy do I whine.

21) Do you believe the statement, �Once a cheater always a cheater?� I’m not big on vague absolutes. Here’s a better quote, in regards to playing cards. “Win if you can, lose if you must, cheat always.” I thought that was pretty funny. Then again I think Gerry is funny.

22) Do you read romance novels? I read cereal boxes. And boy do they sweep me off my feet.

23) Do most of your stories & poems you write revolve around love? Yeah, I’ll admit it. I only write poetry when I’m in love or when I’m sad, which is pretty much the same thing.

24) Have you ever fallen for a pen pal? I’ll confess that a long time ago I really cared for someone who was my penpal. Then she showed me her real picture and I never wrote to her again. I’m sorry but she tricked me. In the first picture she totally looked like a mermaid. A year later she all of a sudden has feet. I mean what’s the deal with that?

25) Have you ever been in a love triangle? I’d say more like a love trapezoid. Like the pizza hut logo.

26) Must love be felt to be truly understood? What is this, an interrogation? No, I won’t go out with you, get to the point.

27) Are you a shy lover or a vibrant lover? I’m an American, dangnammit. And don’t you forget it.

28) Do you believe that marriage is something scary? Only if you marry a zombie, cause you never know when she’ll start nibbling on your skull.

29) Are you for or against couples living together without getting married? Against it. There’s no promise of commitment otherwise. Marriage proves to the world that you’re ready to commit fully to a relationship and give up all your cool furniture for your wife’s crap.

30) Have you ever asked someone out on a date? Crashed and Burned. Bad time to ask, right in the middle of a car accident.

31) Ever been stood up on a date? Actually yeah. She ended up going with some other dude and making out with him in the theaters. It’s ok though. I killed them both. Haha just kidding. I just stepped on a lizard while I cried my eyes out.

32) Have you ever loved someone it hurt & you cried? Whoa, you totally read my mind just now. I hope the next question isn’t about marriage, because that’s what I’m thinking about.

33) Are you/Have you ever been married? Ok you’re scaring me now. Is this some kind of psychic questionnaire? Nah I haven’t been married before. I’ve been carried however. Many times.

34) Did you go to prom, if so, with who? I went to prom with Dina. But I danced with everyone else too. Awwright!

35) Do you/Did you enjoy school dances? I prefer square dances. You get to clap and wear boots.

36) How many kids do you want to have? I think two biological and one adopted. That would be awesome.

37) Is there someone who you really like at the moment? Yeah, but it’s all in Gods timing. My crushes are usually so fickle.

38) Have you ever been secretly in love? I’m not sure what that means exactly. I’ve been secretly hungry before, I know that for sure.

39) Have you ever sent someone something on Valentines Day? Yeah, cards, chocolate, Winnie The Pooh backpack. I hate that holiday, its too expensive.

40) Have you ever had a secret admirer? Yeah. I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or scared. There’s a thin line between secret admirer and stalker.

41) Have you ever been a secret admirer? Yeah, I’ve been a secret admirer plenty of times. I’m such a wuss. Haha.

42) Do you read Shoujo manga? What’d you call me?

43) Do you usually fall for a wrong guy/girl or the right guy/girl? When you’re single for so long, there’s not so much falling. Unless you live near lots of craters.

44) Are you a lover or a fighter? I’m a lover, but I enjoy the occasional fist fight.

45) What do you think about interracial couples? Personally I’m not all that into Nascar, but hey if that’s what you’re into then more power to ya. Alright alright. I’m all for interracial couples. My second girlfriend and my biggest crush were jamaicans. And both of their names were Natasha. So if you ask me what I think about Natasha-dating then I’m for that too.

46) Do you believe in divorce? Divorce is like a box of snails: ugly. Man I’m so wise, it’s scary.

47) Are your parents still together or are they divorced? My parents are still together, God bless ‘em.

48) What is your favorite color on the opposite sex? Definitely not neon green. I like to see girls without having to squint.

49) What are your views on gay marriages? They’re so gay. (great answer, Gerry)

50) Do you think its okay for best friends to become couples? They say the dog is man’s best friend. So no, you sick puppy. Pun intended, my friends. Point, set, and match! But seriously best friends make the best couples. Any cute girls got openings for the best friend position? I have a resume with references.

51) Have you ever broken someones heart? I broke someone’s cookie jar once. They weren’t happy.

52) Have you ever been given or given roses? I gave roses to this girl last Christmas and she practically declined them when I gave them to her. She took them and all, but she didn’t think it was appropriate. I should have just given her a cold. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

53) Do you have an ideal mate? I’ve written a list, yes. Now it’s just a matter of timing.

54) Have you ever been to a dating site? Yeah. It was so cheesy and pink. So I was like “Goodbye!” ::signed off::

55) If so, what did you do there? I created a profile for myself and received emails from faceless people. I don’t know about you, but I like my girls with faces.

56) What do think of E-harmoney, match.com etc? I think it’s spelled Harmony, you big doof.

57) Have you ever met someone you met online & fallen in love with them? Nah. Although I’ve fallen in love with quite a few websites. It’s the designer in me.

58) Have you ever been engaged? Yeah, but it was secret. Even she didn’t know. She didn’t know we were dating either, but eventually someone snitched me out.

59) Has someone ever proposed marriage to you? No, but the waitresses always propose dessert. And I like that in a woman.

60) Are you the one who makes the move or do you wait for them to make the move? I’m not much of a mover. I’ve lived in the same house all my life. Ok that’s a lie. I moved here 6 years ago.

61) Do you flirt or are you not a flirter? My last girlfriend said I flirted with everyone. Even her sisters. Can you say Paranoid? So to answer your question, yes. I flirt.

62) How do you act around the guy/girl you like? I tend to walk and talk like Mr T. Girls think Mr T is sexy.

63) Have you ever seen the movie The Notebook? Never seen the Notebook. But I hear it’s the most romantic film ever, next to Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze.

64) What is your all time favorite romance movie? Wow good question. I think it would be Dumb & Dumber. I laughed, I cried. I took a bathroom break.

65) Do you read Romance novels? Quit asking me that.

66) Favorite Video Game Romance? Mario and Yoshi. They were made for each other.

67) Would you get remarried more than twice? Wow you just fast forwarded to something I hoped never to experience. Thanks for ruining my life.

68) Imagine you’re 79 & your spouse just died, would you remarry after they died & you were married for 60 years? Who wants to marry a 79 year old? If you do, then give me a call sometime.

69) Is remarriage betryal? There’s no such thing as be-TRY-al. Gotta love these illiterate surveys. (whew, close one)

70) What do you think of pre-arranged marriages? It’s been done for thousands of years. That’s all I can process through my head right now.

71) Do you know anyone who has had their marriage annulled? Yes. Renee Zellwegger and her country bumpkin husband got an annullment about 2 weeks ago. I wish I knew what that was. Sounds romantic.

72) Does romance make you gag? It makes me dance, which in turn makes other people gag.

73) At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex? I’ve been in love with girls since at LEAST second grade. That’s as far back as I can remember. Ahhh Jennifer.

74) What song do you want played as you walk down the aisle? Gold-digger, by Kanye West.

75) Does Love conquer all? Plagues conquer all. Oh, and vikings too.

76) Are most High School kids in infatuation or love? I think they’re mostly confused. Too much MTV if you ask me.

77) Who was your first love? Candy. But you know what they say, too much candy ain’t good for ya.

78) What�s the longest you�ve ever liked someone? Ouch I can’t even remember. I had a crush on Natasha for like 3 years. That’s hardly love though.

79) Do you have any friends who are already married? Yeah. One word: Punk’d.

80) Would you give up everything for love? I’d give up everything for a decent meal right about now. Anybody got a sandwich at least?

81) Love songs, yeah or naw? Yeah. Boyz II Men, the original emo group. Old skool!

82) Will you�re life be incomplete without love? Speaking of incomplete, I noticed that this survey is missing question number 83, so I’ll just make one up…

83) PANCAKES OR WAFFLES? I’m going to have to go with pancakes.

84) Who gave you your first kiss? Candy. I think that’s when puberty kicked in.

85) Can you remember your very first crush? Wow, my first crush was another Natasha. I’m seeing a pattern now.

86) First guy/girl you held hands with? Ana in elementary school. We liked each other but were so embarrassed.

87) First guy/girl you hugged of the opposite sex in your teen years? Natasha, the jamaican one. She was hottest girl in school that year. Cha-ching!

88) Have you ever suffered from insomnia because you loved someone? I’ve had insomnia due to a heavy dinner and a broken heart. Not necessarily in that order.

89) First time you got flowers from someone of the opposite sex? Can’t remember. Oh wait I remember. Never.

90) Have you ever celebrated valentines day with a significant other? Yeah. Big whoop. More money down the drain.

I’m surprised this questionairre didn’t go to 100. I’m thankful too. My eyes hurt.