Sketchism

The following is another random survey I found online. I noticed as I was filling it out that many of the questions were missing, so I decided to replace them with questions that I have been asked at least once or twice by both friends and strangers. My responses to these personal questions (marked with an asterik*) are what I have always wanted to say but have been too much of a peace-maker to actually tell them. Enjoy!

1. EVER GIVEN/BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
I gave somebody a cold once. Engaging enough for ya?

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
Well I’ve been my mother’s son for like 21 years. I’m sure you can relate.

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
My brother farted on me while I was sleeping. I don’t think he has a receipt for it, so I doubt I’ll be exchanging it anytime soon.

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
This one cellphone was talking trash to me the other day, so I dropped him like the sucka he is.

5. WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
All my working is done indoors. Can’t concentrate in the blaring sun. I sweat too much.

6. COFFEE OR CHOCOLATE?
Can’t we all just get along? (Chocolate)

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
My brother’s. For farting on me.

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Any kind of extra body parts or strange scars.

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
United States of Whatever By Liam Lynch

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
I’d let you in but my house is a mess.

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
They say if you remember the Nineties you weren’t really there. Or was that the seventies? Well I didn’t attend high school in the seventies, so you’re out of luck.

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
AT&T Wireless, which was bought out by Cingular, but I hear Cingular was bought out by someone else. So let’s just say my Dad pays the cell phone bills and I’m not too worried about it.

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
Pizza USA at the foodcourt.

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
Full-time dork for the past 18 years. The first 3 years don’t count because technically it was an internship and you don’t really get paid.

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
I’m kind of scared that I don’t.

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
Not real people. Just the elderly.

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
Technically I wasn’t there, but when Miss Piggie and Kermit got married I was an emotional mess.

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU’D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
I’d probably buy some new friends immediately and have them call me.

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
At the Roots concert. He was doing the back-head bounce or something like that. He’s hip.

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
Olive Garden

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
“No really, Dave, you’re freaking me out. Don’t call me anymore”

23. WHERE’S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
As long as the food is cheap and delicious I really don’t mind.

24. CAN YOU COOK?
I make the meanest Pop Tarts this side of the equator.

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
A 1997 Saturn SL2. I like to think it was the coolest car that year.

26. BEST KISSER:
I’d have to say Angelina Jolie. She’s a real team player.

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
When PeeWee Herman was cancelled. That was a tough year, really.

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
Lasagnia because he’s all like “ooh everybody loves me.” Little punk.

29. 1 THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I can fit like 4 crayons in my nostril. And 8 in the other.

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
One nostril holds more than the other.

*31. SO… HOW’S IT GOING?
Pretty good, dude. Yeah. Been keepin’ busy, ya know?

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?
18 Hours. That was a tough night.

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Lethal Weapon 5. When will Riggs and Murtaugh learn? When will they learn?

34. CAN YOU SING?
I can hum any song you ask me to. I’ll even throw in the harmony for kicks.

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
Yanni and Michael Bolton: The Pansies Tour.

36. LAST KISS?
I’m hispanic so I get kisses everyday practically. It comes with the job.

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED?
Sideways. Pretty stinkin’ hilarious, too.

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
Cowbell. Oh, and underwear.

39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
Vegas was fun. Couldn’t gamble though. I really looked forward to wasting my money like every other bum in that town.

*40. SO WHY DO YOU DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO KENDALL FOR CHURCH EVERY WEEK?
Because I wants to and I likes to.

*41. EVER HUGGED A COMPLETE STRANGER ON AN ELEVATOR THINKING IT WAS YOUR DAD, BUT IT TOTALLY WASN’T?
Holy cow, YES! Yes I have!

*42. WHY DON’T YOU WANNA GO OUT WITH (FILL IN THE BLANK)?
Because she smells, or she has rough hands, or she doesn’t have a sense of humor, or she’s not very smart, or because she’s just not my type. But thanks for asking again.

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
A laptop stacked on top of my desktop, which is then stacked on top of a squirrel.

*44. HOW MUCH DO YOU GET PAID AN HOUR?
Let’s see, if I work about 40 hours a week for 4 weeks, it’s still pretty much none of your business. But thanks for asking me a really personal question even though we’re not down like that.

45. DO YOU SMOKE?
Nah. I’m not really going for the whole black teeth look these days.

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
Do costumes count?

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?
Do costumes count?

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
Let’s just put it this way. Yes and No. At the same exact time. Put that in your pipe and smoke it long distance.

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
I wouldn’t say they pulled me over. I’d say they pretty much chased me down a few highways until I got bored and decided to just give up.

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
That’s a no-brainer. Pancakes. Anyone who says otherwise is secretly attempting to kill you.

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
Yep. Especially when it makes me burp.

52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Chocolate Chip.

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
It’s hard to deny the power of NASA.

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
The Voicemail lady. She’s a good listener.

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
My Dad.

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
A gentleman doesn’t text and tell.

*57. HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
I’m not sure these days, but I’m pretty sure I can put you in a cool choke-hold.

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
One for each skull.

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
The usual Wednesday Night gear: My Chewbacca outfit.

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
“Oooh Baby, Baby.”
-Any modern R&B song

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
Toe Jam.

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
I can play dead while I play pool. They never see it coming.

63. CAN YOU SWIM?
Sure.

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
Free.

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
I’ve got nothing against them. In fact some of my best friends are maps.

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
I once got in a fight and started making punching noises with my mouth. Embarrassing.

67. SO… WHY ARE YOU A LIBERTARIAN?
I believe that history shows that a smaller goverment is a better government. Plus it sounds cooler at social gatherings.

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
Yeah. It was one of those “Don’t tell David about this party” themes. I always find out how to get past the security guards.

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?:
Curry is nice. And Cinnamon. Cinammon brings a punch of flavor to anything.

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
Let’s see, how long have I been doing this survey…

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
8:12am. I think that’s when my brother farted on me.

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
All the commercials that wish people “Happy Holidays”.

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
If by “ticket” you mean “severe beating”, then never. Except for that one time.

74. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?
Roger. Best rock ever.

*75.YOU-REE-BAY OR YOU-RIGH-BEE?
The former, thank you.

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?
Ninjas and Pirates both agree. Cowboys suck.

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
Not sure. But I think you’re hitting on me.

78. BIRTHDATE:
April 30. The same day Hitler died. No kidding.

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
Tall.

*80. SO… WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO AT WORK?
Well I design everything from websites to animations for television shows, to logos for small companies. And I take out the trash.

*81. SO… YOU’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT RELEVANT MAGAZINE. WHY DON’T YOU JUST WORK FOR THEM?
The whole restraining order thing. I don’t like to talk about it.

*82. HEY DAVID, WANNA GO TO THE MARLINS GAME WITH ME?
Should I bring a pillow and a blanket? ‘Cause I’m going to be bored out of my mind.

*83. WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO FOR A LIVING?
To be quite honest, I have no friggin’ idea. And to be honest again I really like saying “friggin”.

*84. WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM? WHAT DOES SHE DO?
She runs an airplane-repair business. Business is really soaring these days.

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
I’m on a chair, you sicko.

*86. ARE YOU A ROCKER OR A RAPPER?
If you’re dumb enough to still be asking questions like this, you should probably take a few steps back before I uppercut you and give you a wedgie.

87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
More like smirking. And drooling.

*88. HOW COME I NEVER SEE YOU ONLINE?
I’m probably dodging people like you. That or I have a life.

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW :
I’m single. Of course I do.

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?:
The Bathroom. I really gotta take a wizz.

*91. WHY DO YOU LISTEN TO SONGS WITH CURSE WORDS IN IT?
Even songs with curse words can be beautiful pieces of art. I think can portray the world as it ****g ***s **********x *****ñ is.

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
Nope. I passeded it.

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
I have a squish and a squeeze, but no crush.

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
I think Riley is a cool name for a boy. But Spiderman takes the cake.

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
Blue and White, like any good American.

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
I’m not sure to be honest. I’m pretty sure I still don’t care.

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
Nope. Too busy laying on the beach.

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
Yeah. Cruises are awesome because they have 24 hour buffets and saltwater pools and arcades. If only they could combine those 3 elements together I’d find a way to live on a cruise ship.

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?:
Nope.

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
You mean the attic? Not yet. Gimme a few minutes.

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
I think I’m always in love. It’s a great feeling, this desperation and anxiety and insecurity.

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
No kidding, I once had to stay in a Mexican hospital overnight for eating a hotdog from a convenience store. Not so convenient.

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE IN PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
The Invisible Man, because man where is that guy!

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m broke, son. No bling on this gangsta.

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
Tell all my friends to read it. And I’ll probably find a way to fart on my brother. I owe him one.