Anytime I see someone close to me get involved in a heavy relationship that requires plenty of phone time, I find myself feeling as though this person is slowly drifting away from all that I feel I have come to love about him/her. The hours pass and there they are, chatting away, laughing, repeating inside jokes and accusing each other of being too funny. They walk around aimlessly, phone to the shoulder, avoiding any possibility of peers hearing in on this sacred discussion. All the while life goes on and before one realizes it, the day has gone by. Questions were asked, favors were requested, music was enjoyed and yet the phone conversation has survived all that is genuine through a strategy of pure shallowness.
I think it bothers me so much because I am reminded of myself a few years ago when I considered my girlfriend as the center of the universe. Time seemed to be zooming by, so naturally I spent it all on the object of my attention: Her. Our personal time together was always restricted, so we settled for the next best thing, the telephone. I didn’t have a cell phone back then, hardly anybody my age did, but we all had beepers. Beepers provided a whole new language. 143. 123. 50538. (I love you. I miss you. Kisses.) My fingers itched with desperation awaiting the next tune or vibration at my hip to see what romantic digits she would send in response to mine. Heaven forbid I would see 423 (Call me now). My fingertips were dialing before I had time to decipher the message.
In the middle of all this silliness, my friends and family saw me in my crippling state. I look back now and picture myself as a young Gollum, desperately seeking my own ring, only my ring would talk back and all seemed peaceful at the moment, as if in a state of euphoria from a poisonous drug. I’d ask everyone to borrow their phones, even when I was the guest of honor. I secluded myself to an object that only exposed my insecurity, their insults and jokes not bothering me a bit. They don’t know what’s it like to be in love. They don’t understand. Forget them. And to my own misery I did just that, I kept them all away and forget them.
This lasted for about 5 months, the constant secret conversations, the whispers in the late hours of the night, the submission to a short-lived relationship between my girl and our phone. My family grew to dislike me, and to this day my friends from those days accuse me of being a sellout. Very well. I deserve it. Even though things have changed dramatically since those days, I still find myself wondering what exactly I missed out on, and whether the ground can ever be reclaimed between my family and me. I look at the phone now and I see the frailty of the human heart, how sadly I thought acceptance from a girl would make me a better person and my personal neglect of those who actually cared for me all along.
I sit here today dreading the same behavior from a person I hold so closely to my heart. I see the first stages of their backward paces and the only thing I can do is hope the battery will soon fade out before our relationship begins to. Grief and Hope are my only companions. I miss you.
they will realize sooner or later.
Hey man, I’ll be prayin’. I gotta catch you on AIM soon, it’s been way too long. Talk to you later man, God bless ya.
such a sweet and honest entry. after someone grows through these motions (later rather than sooner for your friend), they’ll see the errors of their ways. and in the end, they’ll be quite grateful to have such a cool and understanding friend as you.