I don’t know how I survived. There I was pinned under a beast of a man, his arms holding me down as I fought to get out of under him. His shirt was off, as it was dripping with sweat from recent wrestling matches with other poor souls. As he lay cross-body atop me, I strived to push his weight off of me, but alas, my hands slipped from his dripping sides and his hairy chest lay upon my face. I dare not breathe at this moment. Instead, I was forced to face my side, giving way to any attack he might be inclined to pursue.
(Before I go on, I must make a note to the reader that many of my fellow fighters pride themselves on smelling presentable at the gym, including myself. This man, however, was not one of those men.)
And attack he did. He got back on his feet and attempted to mount my stomach, and there was little I could do to prevent it. Had this been a real fight, I would have been pounded to a bloody pulp. Fortunately this is merely a friendly skirmish. I tapped out immediately, not because I was left hopeless, but rather because I could no longer physically take the burdens of hair in my mouth, the sweat on my shirt, and the stench on my skin, none of which was my own.
I sit here now, blessed to be able to share such a story with you. Kids, if you’re going to wrestle someone, make sure he’s a skinny hairless dude with plenty of Hugo Boss sprayed on his jacket.
that is so. effing. disgusting.
reminds me of that new movie coming out with ben stiller and jenifer aniston…. i think it is called “along came polly”
Strangely enough that’s the first thing I thought about when I realized we were going to wrestle. I look at those previews now with sympathetic eyes.
why is it strange david? you know we share the same brain and we think the same crap.
I’m confused. If a skinny, hairless dude sprayed Hugo Boss (an excellent choice, I might add) on his jacket, it wouldn’t matter unless he was WEARING it. And then the volume of hair the guy has wouldn’t necessarily be an issue. A mere technicality, I suppose, but a fascinating conundrum nonetheless.
Hey, you could take my advice or leave it. The jacket is a very important element when choosing your opponent. No jacket, no fight. As far as the hair, jacket’s don’t tend to cover facial hair. Long, guey, facial hair, with spit dripping. Oh and boogers. Beards are infamous for harboring boogers.
I thought that was obvious.
Growing facial hair, working up a good stinky sweat and such might be an interesting tactic for you next match.
Dude, I have a beard, and there are no, repeat, no boogers being “harbored” in my facial hair.
Also, I’ve been thinking this over. Sweaty men without shirts locked in near-mortal combat. Hairy guys. Not so hairy guys. “Fellow fighters”. Hmmm. I thought the first rule of Fight Club was you don’t talk about Fight Club.